- 18th May
- 12th April
- 14th March
- 22nd February
- 18th January
Ok, so I was crying and feeling sorry for myself last night. Picturing ways to ‘off myself’… WHO DOES THAT!?
Me… tired, stressed and forgot to take my crazy pills. THAT is not how I think … usually.
I woke up this morning to gloom.. rain… dreary day.. all the snow is melting and what is left is black and dirty slush. I then thought… even with all this gloom.. me losing my job.. being alone…. why the hell would I think that way??! I’m sorry if you read the blog and were like… ‘What the fuuuuck’… I was feeling like a failure… a fuck up… but that gives me no right to talk like I did.
I take it back.. and am going to do something with my life… give myself purpose… make changes.
- 17th January
Well, here I am again… another boss has told me they don’t know what they’ll do without me, but she can’t afford me any longer.
While I sit here alone feeling like a failure… I sometimes wonder why my mother didn’t opt for an abortion. What purpose have I ever served? I cry more than anything… my heart hurts always… my eyes are continuously puffy from being sad… I even ‘leave my baggage at the door’ when I go to work and paste on a smile and get my work done.. above and beyond what I’m expected to do…
Why do I always feel like the one giving… giving giving giving. I seriously feel like disappearing…
My cosmetic consulting job is only seasonal and ends at the end of the month.
I can see why people don’t try hard at jobs. There is no loyalty anymore. I was raised to be loyal to your boss.. to give 110%…. I feel like it’s for nothing anymore. I look back and wonder why I tried so hard… why I worked so hard… why I organized everything… when I’m not even going to be there now. Why?
I’m feeling like a fuck up… I remember when ‘unemployment’ was rarely heard of….
- 12th January
Went to get in my car… turn the key… and low and behold… all I hear is a ‘click click click’.
What the hell.
Had to get a ride to one of my jobs.
Got the damn thing towed not even 1,000 feet away and it was $60!!! I swear on everything that if there wasn’t bad luck… I’d have none at all.
I was thinking… for so long, the car was used to being parked in a garage.. now that I’m renting, I have no garage. Did it go into shock? That’s what I’m thinking.
The car place called after doing their $55 diagnostic check (I swear, I’m in the wrong business… maybe I should be a mechanic).. and the damn battery was drained by the bad alternator. Now, I have to pay $60 + the $55 plus the charges for them fixing it. I’m already struggling to pay my monthly bills and rent. Then, this is piled on top.
My seasonal job doing make-up consulting is coming to an end this month. Unless they find it in their hearts to hire me permanent. They’ve been impressed with my applying make-up skills and I’m hoping there will be a job opening at the end of January so they can keep me…. if not, on with the job hunt for a 2nd job again.
I did feel wonderful on Sunday. A young girl came in with her mom to get color matched with a foundation. She was using Revlon and the color was WAY too pink for her black skin. She also didn’t rub it down past her jaw line, which caused a line that drives me crazy. Her mom said she was the only one to tell her the truth.. that the kids at school wouldn’t tell her because kids are mean. She wanted me to talk her daughter into removing all the old make-up and letting me do her face. After a 1/2 hour.. I talked her into letting me.. she was scared and embarrassed to remove it all in public. I got it all off and color matched her skin beautifully with a Make-up Forever color. I love this line of make-up… my skin is very oily like hers and it’s the only foundation I’ve found that works for me. If your going to spend a lot of money on any of your make-up… please.. spend it on a good foundation! I did all of her make-up… covered up her problem spots and opened up her eyes with a creamy color and a bronze color of eyeshadow. She looked BEAUTIFUL. She was so happy and almost crying thanking me. I am now going to do her make-up for Prom come this April. Also, since she had a problem with break-outs, I sent her to the Pro-Active store to get their line of cleansing products… they’ve made my skin beautiful since using it!! It makes my heart swell when I know I’ve helped someone feel better about themselves and look beautiful.
So, instead of always complaining, I thought I’d tell you something positive :)
- 5th January
- 5th January
A new year, and a new beginning for me. I’m starting fresh. This is what I’m telling myself!!
A new place, a new job, a new me. I know everyone says they are going to start working out.. but I am… I actually started a couple months ago.. just with everything going on here lately, I haven’t had time. I’m in an area where I can walk/jog on sidewalks and parks :)
I think I’m going to like it here. It’s a big change for me, and we all know how I hate change. However, I’m realizing that I hate it, but it’s almost like when I make up my mind, I do things… and don’t think twice about it—change or not. So maybe I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I CAN do. I can do anything if I put my mind to it.
I’m also going to start modeling again and dive in… I miss it, and enjoy the time I get to spend shooting. I miss interacting with my fans/friends and I miss the photographers! OH, and the extra cash it brought in, even if just a little.
I have been struggling… I have a job now, but being unemployed for 6 months really brought me down and depleted my savings. Thank God I found a job when I did.. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my money reaching critical amounts. I sometimes feel like nothing goes my way.. but looking back, it’s almost like I was given things (like my job) when I would appreciate it more. I’m still struggling, but things are looking up.. and I hope this year will bring happiness and at least let me feel ‘settled’.
I’m still applying at other jobs since my job now is just part-time. I just want something to supplement my income and my seasonal part-time job is about to come to an end. I think I would like to work at the airport… seems it would be fun to me… I posted my resume` on every airline a couple months ago.. I hope they eventually need someone.
Anyway, onto the daily grind I go… I hope everyone had a Happy and Safe New Year!!
- 30th December
My first post on tumblr. How exciting.. lol How many more of these sites will pass through the internet.. over-taking the last? I have so many usernames and passwords in my head it’s overwhelming!
I got all moved. Stressed. Sore… and 14 hours later… boxes stacked around me… and all I can do is sit on the floor and stare at them. ugh. I located the important boxes.. bath items, some dishes.. etc. No dishwasher anymore. blah. Guess I’M the dishwasher now… This whole thing… renting.. the place not being my own… is going to take some getting used to. So is being alone without my puppies. They’ve always been there for me to ‘talk’ to… I guess I took their presence for granted, because now I miss them more than I can even explain.. :(
Back to work for me… I’ll be trying to post more later..